The Waiting Game
According to my first u/s, I would be 8 weeks today or tomorrow. According to my ovulation date, I would be 7weeks & 1day. According to LMP, & my doctor, I am 9 weeks & 5days. Yep - a lot of confusion! I still don't have any m/c symptoms.... It's been a week & a half since my "threatened miscarriage." I'm feeling pretty conflicted still. Not sure if I should get a second opinion, or if I'm playing my cards right in waiting it out.
Over the last weekend I truly have come to grips that I will be okay with the outcome - no matter what that might be.... I've accepted it. I am an optimistic person when it comes to "hard times." I know I can be hard-headed when things seems to "go good." I have gone down the stages of Grief, and then back up the stages again.... Lately, I've caught myself in the angry stage. Mostly, when I see another pregnant woman, or someone with a small baby. It's like they are magnified... they are everywhere... crawling out of the woodwork. I even went to Target today to get some household supplies, and ended up getting lost in the maternity section - of all places! I feel like God just keeps putting salt in the wound... If you couldn't tell already, I'm pretty convinced the doctor is right.
Yesterday was nice. I went to volunteer at church, enjoyed the service. Then, went to lunch with my in-laws. We had an almost 2-3 hour conversation about life, and this situation. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate.... I then went to MOA with my husband. We got to chat, and just spend some much needed alone time. I really don't know what I'd do without him & his family! They've been so supportive through all of this, it's been really nice to have so much love & support.
Today I tried to get back to my regular routine. I went back to crossfit, after 5 days off. I was still getting winded during what is normally an easy workout for me, and my squat numbers have gone down. I know I've gained about 12 pounds in the last 2 months.... definitely feeling the effects! It felt good to move, relieve some stress, and keep my mind off of things for an hour. I ran my normal errands, and went to work. Pretty boring day, really.
I actually had a hard time getting out of bed. I still feel very fatigued. Not sure if it's still a pregnancy symptom or a depression symptom - but I stayed in bed for an hour and a half longer than my original wake-up time. I just wanted to sleep! My breasts are not sore anymore. Josh thinks they still look a little swollen - but I can feel they are not. They tend to itch though - I heard it's a sign of dehydration. But, I drink A LOT of water. So, I'm not sure why this new sypmtom has started, but it's annoying. I constantly have to scratch my boobs lol. I also noticed that I don't gag when I brush my teeth anymore, either. I was having a hard time in the morning with that. I never threw up or anything, but I really had a bad gag reflux. Only in the morning though. But, that's now gone.
But, I've never really had any morning sickness... and right now, I kind of wish I had, so I would really know if there's anything in concern.
I just keep waiting.
I wait for the spotting. I wait for the rush of cramping, and physical pain. I wait to really know if this little one is still alive. I wait for answers, and I wait for more questions. I wait to not feel scared anymore. And, mostly, I wait for closure. I hate this waiting game. But, it's all for a reason, right? God's surely testing my patience, and testing my faith. Maybe that's what this is all about? Testing my faith?
I guess I just don't know.
I'll just keep waiting...
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