TTC Cycle 8, Cycle Day 9

I have never written a blog before, so if you see this and think "that's not a blog" let me know!

My husband and I have been trying to conceive since May of 2012. But we weren't like really trying, just off of birth control. We got married in July 2012. And in December 2012 I found out I had some complications of some things and that we had to take a break from trying. I was put back on birth control while my body healed. And in January of 2014 we got to for real start trying. I haven't had regular cycles ever, in June my doctor put me on Progesterone to help me have a normal cycle. It has worked so far. I have a 24 day cycle and it only lasts like 5 days. Very few symptoms. However I have heard for a lot of people that progesterone will help you get pregnant after a cycle or two...we are going on cycle 4. :-( 

This whole trying to bring a tiny human into the world thing is really stressing me out. I do everything right, I stopped consuming alcohol so that I wouldn't hurt a baby if there was one in me, we do the deed every other day during my fertile period and a few days after. I tried taking mucinex to thin my mucus. Still nothing. Not even a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. I can't get pregnant for the life of me. 

Everyone that knows that I am trying is all like "It will happen when the time is right" or "God knows when you're time is, and he may have other plans for you" or "Just stop thinking about it, it will happen when you least expect it". The thing is, they all either A. have kids no problem or B. aren't trying for kids and never have. How can you tell me all of this? It's not that simple to just "stop thinking about it" I can't get it out of my head. It literally consumes my every thought. I have gotten to the point that I don't talk to anybody about it anymore because they can't help me, they just make me feel worse.

This cycle has been the hardest. I'm not sure what's different about it. I knew from a few days before I started getting my period signs that I wasn't prenant. I am not a doctor so I can't diagnose myself,  but I'm pretty sure I am depressed. All I want to do is sleep or stay at home and be alone. I don't want to go to work, don't want to eat (of course I am not losing weight), I don't want to do my homework, or see my friends. I just want to stay in bed, play The Sims 4 and cry. Is that too much to ask for? 

My husband is trying to make me feel better, but he can't. He keeps saying it's not my fault which makes me feel worse. I don't know why. He says we don't even know if it's my body that won't let us get pregnant, and we don't, but we can't go get those tests until January as it hasn't been 1 full year of uninterrupted trying yet. I am pretty sure I didn't ovulate this month, my period was all brown, and the doctor ordered a 21 day blood test to see how my progesterone levels are, while I am on the progesterone she prescribed. That can't be a good thing. 

My brain says to just give up, but my heart says not yet. I have cried so much in the past week, I am pretty sure I am out of tears. Hubs and I decided we are going to try this month and take next month off. My birthday is mid month next month and my best friend turns 21 at the beginning of November (ha my best friend is 3 years younger than me) so we are going to celebrate. Maybe it will take the emotional factor out and I wont cry at everything relating to anything. I cried over having to go to work yesterday. -_- Who does that?!  (Before you say it, I took a HPT yesterday because my hubby said the same thing. "You're really emotional, are you sure that was a period?" Yea, the test was negative.

Ok well I rambled on more paragraph of all the stuff I feel right now and then I will end this horrible rant. I apoligize.

Today is cycle day 9, I am ovulating sometime this week. I have mid/upper back pain, lower back cramping, woke up with a headache for the past 2 or 3 days, and was dizzy last night. I am overall just so tired. I have been for about the past week. I just want to sleep all the time. Not sure if it's the depression or ovulation but I don't like it. Also my face is breaking out which is weird because since I started the progesterone it has stayed fairly clear. 

Yall have a great day and thank you for letting me rant, even if nobody reads this! I think I kinda like this whole blogging thing, if I did it right. Maybe I will be back in a few days.

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